Stillness

I am nervous. I look around and see lots of people that look like they were made for yoga- stretchy and bendy. They must ‘get it.’  We all shuffle into the room. I grab a mat and pick a spot towards the back corner of the room. I see that the teacher has two blocks, a bolster, a blanket and a strap so I go to the cabinets and grab the same.  I go back and sit on my mat. I’m not sure whether to sit or lie down so I fidget and finally settle into a criss cross position propped up on the bolster. Do I close my eyes now? 

I gaze to the front of the room and see the teacher deep in contemplation hands on his thighs.  I’m surprised to see a male teacher that doesn’t look like your typical yogi. I mimic him and spend the next couple minutes with my eyes closed wondering if I am ‘doing it right.’  I open my eyes slightly to take a peak around. Many other people seem to be fidgeting. Others are in all sorts of contorted positions. A woman at the front of the room has her feet behind her head and looks like she’s breaking her neck.  I wonder to myself what I’ve gotten myself into. The teacher turns around to face a deity statue at the front of the room and softly mumbles something to himself. He lights a stick of incense, places in on the altar, places his hands together at his heart and bows while cross legged to put his forehead on the ground.  It makes my back hurt just watching. Then he turns to face the class, closes his eyes again and seems to levitate. He says nothing. The room starts to settle. He revels in the uncomfortable silence. His first words are, “Re…...lax,” repeated with gusto. He tells us to breathe. We are doing it right just by showing up and trying our best.  He tells us we are the real teachers here, he is just a guide that will offer suggestions throughout the next 90 minutes. He tells us to listen to our bodies. I’m sweating and I haven’t even moved yet. I wonder how miserable hot yoga is then laugh to myself as I realize in the midst of summer that all yoga in Bali is hot yoga right now. Breathe in…... breathe out.  We start with three chants of “Om.” On the first one everyone seems to be finding their singing voices. I can’t seem to exhale any longer. I gasp and inhale. On the second one the room seems to be finding a groove. The third time sounds like magic and the room resonates as one. One note. One mind. One breath.

Every class seems to evoke these feelings, thankfully, the nerves are subsiding as I practice more.  It’s been a big transition for me. I did yoga in high school a few times and had done a class here and there over the years- mostly dragged along by someone else.  It always seemed like somewhat of a workout fad for women to me, but I’m learning how fun and challenging it can be. My body always feels great afterwards so that’s helping me come around.  

A part that is really expanding for me is the mental game.  I realize now that the asanas, the poses, are only the surface.  Delving into the breath and the mind are where the real transformations happen.  Every class I’ve learned more about not comparing myself to others. How a pose looks for me is not how it will look for someone else.  I’ve learned to not worry when meditating if thoughts come up. Meditation is not about ‘thinking about nothing.’ I’m trying my best to just notice the thoughts and not worry if it takes me down a rabbit hole.  When I notice that’s where I’ve gone, I just come back and start again. I try my best and that is enough. Any moments of transcendence will come when they come. The purest moments for me just happen when I unconsciously stop trying.  I don’t try to not try. I just don’t try.  

Yoga is about the subtleties.  I’ve enjoyed having teachers that guide us towards the simple poses or variations rather than the flashy poses that grace many photos online.  The simple poses are usually more effective. A little stretch here or raising an arm there takes a pose to a new level. I’m learning to listen to my body more.  I used to think of props as just more stuff that got in the way. Now I realize props and modifications can make a huge difference in tuning a pose to what’s right for my body.   If it feels good, it’s good. I’m constantly trying to not take it so seriously. I’m challenging myself to keep my eyes closed for the entire practice. I’m challenging myself to not compare myself to others.  This is how the yoga is working for me.  

Breathe in…… breathe out.  Nothing else matters. Right now I am here. Right now I am alive.  🐾